Don't Mess This Up, You've Got ONESHOTS
by AudreyyyRoseeee
Summary: Artemis contemplates life...sort of. And also, some other things happen. Parings if you close one eye and tilt your head a bit to the left. Oneshot requests are now open!
1. With a Girl Like Her

**OH OH OH, GUYS. I give permission to hate this story. I was flipping through my old journal and I found this, with the words "I HATE THIS!" scratched along the dotted page in big angry letters... But ya know, its been a year since i posted so, MERRY BIRTHDAY- oh, darn... never mind. Just review the dang darn thing to give me merry birthday, PLEASE? :D (retarded seal smile)**

"It doesn't take a genius or…magic." Artemis said awkwardly.

"What do you mean?" The woman's starry eyes glinted in his direction. "How did you guess?"

He let a small sigh pass his lips, as he stared at the nameless couple in some type of envy. That couple was nameless because Artemis hadn't bothered with introductions. He had just heard her suspiciously listing symptoms to a tired doctor, with pauses and nervous glances at her worried husband, and he interjected casually with a gracelessness only he was capable of.

He took another step in the direction of the perfect couple. Perfect smiles. Perfect hair. Perfect hands with perfect, golden wedding bands…

"There were many clues." Artemis intoned coolly after a pause. "I'm certain you connected the dots on your own…"

Artemis's gaze shifted to her husband as he smiled a charming smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. Her eyes followed. Then they were on Artemis again. She prodded him with an eager nod. _Go on_ , it said.

"Erm, let us see…" He began again, "You said that you've been sick in the mornings, ravenous in the afternoons, and aching all over. An additional hint was your thin, healthy figure-" one of the newly discovered father-to-be's eyebrows climbed upward a fraction "-that abdominal swelling could mean one of two things." He chuckled, beginning to enjoy himself. "And I doubt that you two have been camping on the outskirts of Nigeria lately, so that rules out choice number two: parasites."

Somehow, the couple managed to smile through his unglamorous scenario. He waited for any kind of response or dismissal from the two, but was greeted with a few expectant blinks.

"So, logically I concluded that you were…expecting."

The bright young woman brought her hands together, forming a clap. "Amazing!" she gushed.

The un amused doctor, who had been tapping a crater into the brightly colored hospital tile, checked his clipboard, and walked away without a word. Apparently Artemis had done the man's job.

She turned to her husband with puppy eyes and said in a small voice, "I was planning to tell you next month. The committee girls and I had a whole shower planned-"

Hearing it aloud this first time finally made him believe it. He brought his hands slowly up to her shoulders, stared into her eyes, and pulled her close, kissing her forehead tenderly; she was repeating things like, "Just think of it, John" and "OUR FIRST CHILD!"

Artemis had been well away by this time, directing his steps to room no. 328; but the jubilant expectant-parents filled the bustling halls and corridors with their laughter and plans for the future, and their voices had only now started to fade.

Nurses gossiped to each other as they watched Artemis's steps slow and smile turn to a bitterly thoughtful expression.

Everything these days seemed to be warning him that time was passing. His mother, though today's health check results would come back flawless, was nearly fifty, his "old friend" had retired, and his best friend recently settled down; and this couple, barely older than him, had a child on the way? Time, and everybody in it moved along, no matter how many nights he stayed up, wishing it would slow.

He sighed, and everything in him sighed too- his anxieties, his many traumas, and his incomplete state sighed as he wondered when it would be his turn.

"Artemis," Juliet called, leaning heavily in the doorway with her arms crossed over her chest. "Your mothers exam is nearly over. What were you thinking for lunch?"

Artemis Fowl looked up, startled by the familiar voice of his bodyguard. "Pardon?"

"Alright? You weren't threatened or anything? And hey," she stretched the one syllable into two with a smile. "I'm supposed to protect the **_Fowlzzz_** -" she drew a circle around him in the air with a finger, her eyes crafty slits. "That means you, too. Stop running away from me, alright?"

Artemis was soothed somewhat by this teasing, and he smirked his well-known smirk and looked her up and down with his sharp blue eyes.

"Anyway, what about it, Arty? I picked up your gross caviar and those chalky cracker things, but heaven knows Dom and the twins will never put that into their mouths, so we need a compromise here. How about a soufflé?! I've never made a soufflé…"

And so she babbled. Artemis 's heart grew lighter every moment. His smiles and chortled "mmm"s were genuine, and he didn't care what he ate for lunch, not one bit. Artemis Fowl II realized that life wasn't so bad with a person like her for company.

 **ALRIGHT, THANKS FOR READING! YOUR CHOICE OF EITHER OF THESE LISTED PAYMENTS WOULD BE GREATLY APPRECIATED: $100,020,107.00345 (CASH) , OR A HELPFUL REVIEW. Thanks again ;)**


	2. So, D'arvit To You pt 1

**LETS JUST GET RIGHT INTO IT.**

"It doesn't look very different to me," Holly was indignant.

"Well, you can see it better when yours eyes are closed." The blonde growled, failing to maintain peaceful tones.

Holly huffed, examining her own reflection in a bedazzled compact that smelled remarkably like peaches. She raised an eyebrow, unable to contain her sarcasm. "Both of them?" She watched as Juliet's expression turned from feigned indifference to clear annoyance.

Juliet was not laughing and would never admit it, but Holly noticed that everything that met her face now had a decidedly hostile amount of force behind it.

Holly nervously rubbed together her bright, glossy lips, observing a brush that hovered two inches from her nose, this time shedding green, sparkling dust like some magic wand. Juliet swept the brush across her already very green eyelid once more, then leaned back to survey her masterpiece, nodding. She dropped her hand, laying the brush on the small table that Holly was currently perched on. Her hand paused. She looked at Holly almost, _almost_ apologetically, before quickly glancing away.

"Okay, just one more thing." She reached back, suspiciously avoiding the other's eyes. A smile that might fit one who intends to torment their worst of enemies with the most painful of punishments, brazenly spread from one corner of Juliet's mouth to the other.

Juliet raised a bright purple triangular box; in the window of which Holly could see two small, dark, hairy… _things_ laying flat that she couldn't for her life identify.

The elf looked up at Juliet, perplexed, then affronted when the girl fluttered her eyelashes frantically over dancing blue eyes, hinting at the purpose of these bristly nuisances. She almost took flight with all of the flapping she did.

Holly glanced once more at the showcased triangle resting in Juliet's palm. Juliet held it like she was posing for an advertisement. Holly could just hear the irritatingly breathy, low voice commercializing these strange abominations: " _Creates irresistible beauty and volume. Don't be afraid, be the diva you've always had inside of you…"_

Holly spied a young model with ridiculously luscious lashes winking flirtingly at her, bordered by the word Falsies half a dozen times. Realization hit her like a bludger to the gut and the only thing to do was stare. Open mouthed, obviously.

Juliet scooted her rolling chair closer to Holly, who was poised, legs dangling from the coffee table that was littered with cosmetics and rubbish. "Now, this is the tricky bit-"

Holly maneuvered her frame quickly to stand atop the table, knocking eye shadows and lipsticks in every direction. "Your not going to stick those furry stink worms to my face." It wasn't a question.

"Hey, that was the deal, Cap. Time to eat your words." Taunted Juliet, now standing around Holly's eye level. That evil grin was still plastered wickedly where it was, and probably wouldn't budge. "Go big, or go home. And by home, I mean surrender. Its obviously too much for the little fairy to handle, huh? "

Holly was cornered. She was a trained soldier, but in such close proximity, there was no way to outrun this tall blonde. And fighting was not an option for several reasons: 1) she just couldn't write that sort of thing in her report on Artemis Fowl's monthly insanity checkup, and there would be too much wrecked furniture to hide. 2) She didn't want to hurt the girl- especially not the legendary troll-fighting bodyguard's little sister. She wasn't an idiot. 3) And the big one… Juliet was a skilled wrestler, no matter what she enjoyed smearing on her eyelids everyday.

She was thinking fast, but ineffectually. It seemed like Juliet, behind her mad smile, was thinking the very same thoughts from the other perspective. And that sent Holly over the edge.

"Wouldn't those things look just dreadful one me?"

Juliet's expression changed to one of pure bliss at the sound of Holly's voice. She relaxed, and nodded, looking quite stupid to be honest. "Yeah, terrible. You sound lovely." She blinked, sighing bluntly. Like the most capable choir humming the most beautiful tune…

Holly had never been mesmerized herself, but she and Artemis had discussion over the years on what precisely it felt like; to Holly it seemed pretty dang pleasurable if she ignored the bit about… you know, him being unable to live out his own will. And she did disregard it quite well, actually. It wasn't as if she was hurting the young Butler, right?

"Don't you think that it would be better just to leave them on the table here instead, then?"

"Well…" Juliet's internal struggle was visible by the brief appearance of pain that flashed on fiercely pretty features as she fought for freedom to appose. Holly felt a tremendous rush of guilt, but pressed through.

"Juliet, could I see that box for a second?"

"Can you?" drawled Juliet, eyes glazed over.

"No," Holly blinked. "No, could you drop that box in my hands?" she asked carefully.

And without another word, Juliet took two comically zombie-like steps toward the elf. Her arms were stretched before her, too, and they shook unsteadily with every step.

Then Holly jumped around in surprise.

"WHAT I FRONDS NA- CAPTAIN, YOUR- D'ARVIT!"

 **To be continued, lol.**


	3. Purely Recon pt 1

(Booth 8, aka the one with the lilies)

Jamie _would_ chance it.

She knew something wasn't right the first time he'd caught him eyeing daggers at her from across the room, but it had been ten minutes, and every time she'd sneaked a glance, sure enough the boy was staring right at her. They'd even made eye contact a few times. It wasn't the cute oh-look-a-pretty-girl-I-kind-of-want-to-talk-to-her, short, blushy-blushy eye contact, either. No. It was full on, half-second connection, which doesn't sound like much. She couldn't sing "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" in that stretch of time, but it was definitely long enough to make her breathing speed up and her hair on her arms stand out in all directions.

 _Stop stalling_ , she ordered herself. He couldn't turn her to stone or anything, right? RIGHT?

(Window-view, table 6)

Artemis was trying not to enjoy himself. Well, to be perfectly precise, he was trying not to _look_ like he was enjoying himself. He was also being extremely… un-sneaky. He watched the pretty brunette draw in a deep breath and then peak over her menu and then hurriedly duck back down again. He nearly cracked right there, but turned the happy face into a scowl almost before the corners of his mouth decided which direction they were going. It was convincing, too.

"Artemis, please remind me why we're here," whispered an invisible voice slightly to the left. Though voices are normally invisible, the bodies that come along with them normally aren't. But this particular body and voice were both undetectable by human eyes, thus being slightly out of the ordinary. Slightly.

"Just as I informed you yesterday," he whispered coolly to the invisible voice, "Its just a simple reconnaissance job."

Holly smelled something fishy going on, so she sniffed, naturally. "Yeah?"

The girl across from them a few tables was slowly sinking in her booth so that two dainty hands trembled as they held a menu where the brunette- Miss Claim, apparently -had been sitting moments before. Holly wisely guessed it was the same youth as before. "What is so special about this one, mudboy?" she asked, feigning disinterest not quite well enough.

There was an awkward pause neither of them could ignore. Artemis finally answered. "I don't know." So simple, yet so annoying. But there was definitely something in that tone, and it was new.

Holly looked at them both, thinking. How could she pass up such a stupendous teasing opportunity? She couldn't- that's how.

To be continued.

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 **Hey guys! I would really appreciate it if you let me know a couple things: 1) if you would like me to keep writing with this story {so like... write Purely Recon part 2!} and 2) if you spotted any grammatical errors, or just awful spelling mistakes. EW.**

 **Cheers!**

 **~Audrey Rose**


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